sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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