We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
