2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
