a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
