Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
