My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
