Have you finally orgasmed yet?
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize