I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
