Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
