Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize