I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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