the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
