Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
