I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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