Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
