I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
