Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
