I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
