they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
