Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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