i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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