i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
