im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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