i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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