so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
