My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
