My room smells like vodka and shame
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
