The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Someone signed my nipple.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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