When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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