and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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