im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
