You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
