Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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