I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
