I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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