I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
and you said cock pushups were impossible
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
