I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
