apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize