i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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