it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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