The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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