My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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