Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize