the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
