why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
