if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
there is glitter all over my balls
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
