i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
