I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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