he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
