Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
