im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
