Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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