you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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