i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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