I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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