I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
