How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize