I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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