Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
