There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
